taking it to the bridge...

I've met an amazing woman that I genuinely can't wait to hang out with, every time. Hopefully I don't fuck it up, because I'm actually letting go of my emotions, cautiously.

Lets face it, I've been hoping to meet someone that I'm so into that she causes me to want to do that. I wasn't planning on staying single forever. I wanted try to learn how to be more objective about who really seems like someone that might actually be right for my retarded self.

I'll call her, Snarky Girl.

Hopefully this blog will go in a new direction, maybe an art blog... I do own www.culturalfallout.com.

Damn it!

I met a great girl.

Its hard to write when you're all stoked about someone. She's 3 weeks deep and I haven't flipped out or sabotaged anything. I've made more of a commitment than I have in well over a year. Still not a total commitment, but enough of one to alter my day to day. I'm currently working on a list of rules for her that spell out how to remain totally aloof while dating someone. I'll probably post that next.

Its been so long since I actually gave a fuck, without already seeing the demise in the near future. It's refreshing, awesome, and great, but really counterintuitive at the same time.`

2:47 am blog o clock

This morning's 3 am is different that the usual morning. I have been re-evaluating my relationship with alcohol of late.

I've never been one to drink at home, alone or otherwise. Unless friends are over, or maybe 1 drink if there's leftovers and I just cooked myself a nice dinner.

I do however go to the bar almost every night. I work late not many options. I really don't want to go home right after work. I don't like television, I live alone, most of my friends are fucking their significant others at that hour. I like to shoot the shit with someone, and (not unlike like buying a lottery ticket) I'm optimistic about what females I have the possibility to meet if I go out, as opposed to the none I will meet at my apartment.

Some nights I drink a lot, some less, some I puke. In the past several months I've tried to keep my tab under $20.00. Which means nothing when it come to consumption, I know a lot of bartenders. In recent weeks I have tried to limit my number of drinks: no shots, less than 4 beers. Tonight I had 2.5 beers. I don't want to give up the companionship that I get from going out, but I also don't want to turn into a crappy drunk that no one wants to know.

House cleaning, balance, and content. That's what I'm working on. I'm not even buzzed right now, but I had a good time tonight.

Check yourself before you...

I have developed a loose checklist of things in my life that are out of line, or not as they should be. Over the next year I plan on rectifying as many of them as I can. It started with weight loss 20 lbs, thank you, then smoking 80 some odd days, then less weed, blah blah blah. The point is: one by one I'm taking the necessary steps and knocking them down. I really am. I have 3 beat and 2 underway, 5 or 6 remain, some are more long-term.

The method that seems to be working is:

I dwell on a point of change, let it rattle in he back of my brain for a few weeks. As time passes my usual lucid wandering inevitably leads to whatever it is I've been obsessing over (this is how I always wrote papers in college). It gets to the point where I get so completely annoyed with having to think about it, that it needs to be amputated.

I read somewhere, in terms of human behavior it takes about 21 days for us to adapt to a change in our lives eg. new work schedule, exercise routine, not smoking. I'm not certain if it's true, but the placebo effect works well for me on this. So, I take the leap of change one at a time. After a few weeks I feel like I have a grip on it and begin to pat myself on the back. Maybe go buy some new kicks to celebrate. I ride out my gold star award for a time and let myself feel pretty good about it. Then I go back to step one to plug the next hole in my bucket

There are some longer term items that simply cant be handled this way. Like my credit card debt. I deal with it though. I make a bigger payment on one every month. It'll take a while.

I'm waking up from a long period of unconscious living. When I initially knocked the crud from my lashes morning's bright light nearly drove me insane. My life was laid bare past and future, and it looked bad naked. Instead of a walk of shame, I put my clothes on and made breakfast so I could think about how to make it work.

I'll write about chicks soon, I mean there were 2 blizzards for crying out loud! I wasn't about to be alone for those.

my pint glass is empty

I mentioned that it'd been a while since I felt sobriety. Tonight is the night.

I'm having a pretty good day off so I'm willing to take my chances with a breakdown.

I went to the chiropractor, my back feels amazing (its been jacked for like 2 weeks). I think people that poo-poo chiropractors either went to a bad one or never went to one at all.

I also had a coffee date... I'm aware I said no more first dates, but I thought the coffee date was an acceptable loophole in my resolution. Plus this girl doesn't drink so there's not a ton of possibility for a casual run in. I also mentioned that I exchanged blogs with a girl, so I gotta watch my footing. I'm breaking rules like Electric Boogaloo. It went better than expected. I think its the first time I met a new chick without having a few beers first (a trick a southern girl taught me).

Third I started a painting I've been procrastinating on, that has a deadline coming up. I actually made decent progress, listened to jams and enjoyed it. Weird.

I made slamming veggie eats, watched LOST, and read.

Cut to the chase. I actually started to freak out a little. When I was staring the painting. I began losing my shit about my decision to be a working artist years ago. I pictured being toothless and destitute at age 50 because of how precarious it is to make your living creatively. I started doubting my ability. I couldn't help reminding myself of how lazy I am, and how it'll never work, I will fail.

FUCK!

I talked myself down. Sat. Concentrated on the painting. I felt better. I have to make art. Good art. That way I won't fail. I started good art tonight.

PS.

I'm calling Southern Girl "Cousin Fucker" from now on to see if she still reads my blog.

HA!

This modern world

There have been events, antics, introspection, epiphanies etc. en masse since my meltdown. I have just not allowed there to be enough downtime to "pen" them all down here. I have a fear of downtime since the collapse. I worry it will lead to another collapse. So I have been running the tank on empty for at least 40 days or so. One of these nights I'll get back to it and spin some of my self absorbed yarns of heartbreak and intrigue, but first I have to get over the fear of my own reflection. I think its coming soon. The body is beginning to object to the abuse, and the brain is hungry. The next stage of self help is quickly approaching, getting healthy in the exercise/diet dept. I am happy to report I am 75 days cigarette free, and have 95% stopped smoking weed.

On a humorous note: instead of exchanging numbers with a woman at the bar, we exchanged blogs. I'm not certain what that says about being single in an urban setting, but I can't help but marvel at the absurdity.

oh boy

I had my first dead serious anxiety attack a few days ago. Now I know what everyone is talking about. The worst thing I've ever felt in my life. Worse than any break up, worse than a funeral. THE WORST FEELING IMAGINABLE! Thus far, a spouse of 50 years dying might feel worse, but I'm 33 and single so I can't fathom that. Seriously debilitating. I am not a man who cries unless there is a very good reason, and if no one is around. I have wanted to cry several times in the past 6 months, but I don't let myself feel despair.

I talked to everyone I know well about this anxiety attack and a few of them advised me to let myself feel it, for a time and cry. Cry to the point of a face full of snot and drool and hyperventilating. Tonight I did, it was orgasmic. Sometimes you need to cry, if you're single and live alone no one will witness it and form an opinion. A perk I just discovered.

Hopefully more upbeat posts to follow, need I remind you reader how much I hate the fucking winter.

Slumping It

I feel like my attitude lately is a lot like the recession. We all knew it was coming, and that we were actually in a recession WAY before anyone was willing to be the expert to stand up and say:

"Yes, it is categorically true, we are definitely in a recession, a huge one in fact, buckle up."

So here it goes, I am officially in the biggest dating recession of my life. My overall feeling is drawing unemployment from my self esteem like a deranged construction worker with 6 mouths to feed. Its been coming down the pipe since mid August. Which is when I was scrambling around making really poor quality control choices. Call me Freddie, because my mac was a mess over the summer. So to top off having such a lousy attitude that if I did actually bump into an awesome girl I'd certainly ruin it; I can take heart in that my last 2 bed partners are memories I'd prefer to burn from my mind.

What to do? Dating help sites say I need new clothes, or some serious me time, or I should pretend that I feel amazing, and then I will. I'm sorry but that shit is for pod people. I'm just going to ride out this tempest and see who breaks first. Hopefully by spring I'll be so sick of myself that I'll have no choice but to pull some David Copperfield type illusions out of my moth riddled bag-o-tricks.

Smoking

After nearly a month of not smoking, not even once, I will be purchasing health and dental insurance tomorrow. Which is something when you're self-employed.

Yawn

I have two women cooking me Breakfast tomorrow. I've seen them both naked.

Depressed

Okay, so I'm pretty fucking depressed. I can't decide what to do or how to deal with it. There are several contributing factors. The first is: I'm BROKE! This is the slow season for my business and I work on commission, no work no dollars. Second: a tooth is bothering me, and I need a bunch of dental work besides, no insurance, no money. Third: quitting smoking isn't directly making me depressed, but it is one of the things I did to cope with depression. Which means I'm dealing with depression for the first time in 11 years without. Fourth: its winter, winter always makes me depressed. Fifth: I AM LONELY!!!!! I don't have any great leads on girls right now, and I'm way too bummed out to have the energy to make some, plus no loot makes it challenging to meet girls. So I guess I'm saying being broke bleeds into it all and that's what's really bothering me.

I have plenty of good friends that care about me, but there is such a hole in my usual state of being without a girlfriend. It gets to me knowing that at the moment no one loves me like that, and hasn't for some time. I try to appreciate the opportunity I have in living alone unattached and how good that is for me in the long run. I also try to keep in mind that in taking this time I'm building a better and more honest version of myself with more character. My sense of being isn't defined by the refuse of a failed relationship, shined up for the new girl almost immediately following. In the end I'll have a better chance to meet a woman that I feel a real and honest connection with. I mean that is what I really want inevitably. I know that can't happen right now and I need to be tenacious in my pursuit of self awareness. I have to remind myself that in the meantime I have had a lot of fun and had great encounters with a lot of women (well a lot for me anyway) and will have more. Everyone is shacked up and banging someone they met in the summertime right now. When spring arrives half of them will break up and I won't be broke or depressed. I'll be hopeful and eager.

I may have forgotten to take my Wellbutrin today, but I don't think it actually does very much.

detox

I just have to rant/brag/be really annoyed that this is the longest I've gone without a puff on a cigarette (12 days), as well as not having a girlfriend/serious commitment of any kind (a year and a half) since my first girlfriend, senior year.

New Years

My resolutions this year are as follows:

Quit smoking (I'm already 12 days deep on that one.)

No more first dates

Get Medical & Dental Insurance

Try to be more enthusiastic about people in general

The last one needs a little explanation I suppose. I had an epiphany several weeks ago about this. I'm a person who goes to a bar nearly every night. The area I work in has a lot of familiar faces, many of whom go to the same bar. What happens is I see someone around for a while and never really meet them or get to know them. It happens so often I'll get into nod status or the casual "what's up?" with whomever and never much beyond that. I realized with acquaintances, when someone is a little enthusiastic about a greeting, I tend to feel more comfortable and more likely to talk to them with interest. Unless I already know they suck or something. So I thought I'd give it a whirl. This applies to everyone, not just girls I'd like to meet.

I can be a pretty timid dude initially when I'm around unfamiliars. Its time to be less timid, and a little nicer. Like the smoking I got the jump on this resolution and have walked it around a bit. So far its going well. I've been to 3 parties, and met 4 single women, and some others. None of which would have happened if I was my usual "How's it going?" shy self.

I haven't come up with a nickname for the latest girl. I'm not sure what's going on, but I kissed her at midnight on New Years Eve. Its likely I'll bump into her again, though we didn't exchange numbers (no more first dates). She has two kids... never encountered that before. I can't call her milf, its WAY too cliche. Greek Girl, Baggage Claim? I dunno I'll think of one if anything else happens. Not that anyone reads this, but I like to pretend.

Note to myself

Hey idiot!

The next time you talk to a girl all night and at 2 am she asks:

"How are you getting home? Do you want a ride?"

don't ever say:

"Nah, its cool, I have my bike."

"Ding!"

Quitting smoking 2 "The Heretic." I'm determined to have this be the last sequel.

Red Flags

This post is about sexual errors. Coincidentally as I'm typing there is a huge red error banner at the top of the screen because auto save isn't working. A sexual error is one of those times when you know you know better but ignore the inevitable carnage and dive into the abyss that is sleeping with a crazy person.

It unfolded in the way that a stream can carve a canyon, persistent erosion of fortitude, oh and alcohol. One night after months of Psycho Girl working on me I ended up at her place to hang out. Just friends. The voice of good sense was still strong in my brain that night.

Her place: Take your shoes off at the door (I've hated no shoes houses since age 5). It was obscenely neat and orderly, including doilies under every decorative plant or knick knack on every surface. Her complete Martha Stewart Living collection was on display in her hutch. Yes a 27 year old with a hutch. She has a real grandma sensibility about home decor. She showed me her target from the shooting range which was a 70's style male bandit. I couldn't help but notice the number of holes in both the head and crotch of this potential assailant and how there weren't many stray holes. Then I got to see PG's childhood photo albums! All this while (no lie, I swear) Cape Fear is playing in the background. Holy crap! I got out alive and couldn't have been more relieved.

I had all the evidence before me, and yet...

After a long dry spell from girls on a usual Monday at a bar with my boss PG was still at it. I hadn't hung out with her alone since seeing her stepford wife's lair. We were talking about dating in the general sense and she said "all I want to do is cook, do laundry, and have sex. What's wrong with that?" I thought, that sounds like a good deal. PG is a cute girl, not thin but not overweight either, physically fine. She has a reputation for being overbearing, jealous, and angry.

Drinks go by...

I started to justify things.

So she has a crazy reputation, maybe she's misunderstood?

Drink...

Maybe its because she really wants a serious boyfriend, I'm open to the possibility, in theory.

Drink...

She's probably really good in bed, I mean she has to be to keep dudes from running away.

Drink...

Maybe I should give her a chance. Or at least have sex with her?

What can I say. I cracked. I slept with Psycho Girl. After the deed was done she said "you're probably going to regret this tomorrow" WHAT!? I assured her that that wasn't the case, and I'd be down for hanging out again sometime. I was (at least sort of), I did.

We have a lot of friends in common. I met her at a small house party several days later. The vibe I got from the women in the room was, he's going to be her boyfriend! They were creepily friendly and inviting, like sirens. Oh, and everyone was doing coke including PG. Not at all my thing.

The next time we hung out I noticed any time I received a text message she was compelled to ask who it was. That's way more annoying than my answering a few text messages, not to mention really intrusive.

By the fourth time we hung out she bought a pair of tickets for an event six weeks away? Near her birthday? Um scary! We went out. We were hanging out with a mutual female friend who is in the same business as I am. The friend "Dee" and I talked for 20 minutes. In the meantime MS went to another floor of the bar. A short while later I saw her leave without so much as a glance, and she looked pissed.

I let a little time pass and I start texting:

CA: where did you go?

PG: I was bored, so I left.

CA: oh, okay. Goodnight.

PG: yeah.

(2 hours later)

PG: have fun with Dee!

CA: what? she's friends with both of us? Talked about work.

PG: whatever, guess she more fun than me.

CA: WHAT??

PG: have a blast!

CA: Um, I'm not at all into unfounded jealousy.

It may have continued a little longer but I don't remember. I stopped hanging out with her. I didn't have a conversation or anything just totally stopped communication. Also my birthday was approaching and I didn't want her involved. I see her around still. I try to say hi but she always does the intentional-look-in-a-different-direction maneuver. She pretends not to notice me, but I can feel her glaring at all times. I'm certain one night there will be some insane loud public attempt to humiliate me, she's done it before.

I can't believe how many red flags I ignored. Its embarrassing.

First dates are for friends

Last night I went on my fourth and final "first date" since my breakup almost two years ago. Any of the women I have had anything going on with in that time weren't the ones that I went on a date with, at least initially.

I have been chatting up Kitchen Witch for a couple weeks, she works at bar I frequent. My options for making moves were: "hey what are you up to after work?" meaning 2 am, meaning my apartment to do it. Or "hey do you wanna hang out sometime when you're not working?" meaning date, meaning let's see how it goes before we do it. I chose the latter.

The lead up and the details of the date are pretty standard and unimportant. We had a good time, there was a lot to talk about, it was cool. Snore... I wasn't feeling it and neither was she. I did have a crush on her going in, but there was no mojo. She called it first, I was relieved. It was over by 9.

I managed to resurrect the night by going out and bumping into some girls I know. I got kissed on the cheek by a girl that I have no interest in, but hanging out with her is always cool. She also helped me dodge an annoying dude I know by yelling at him for interrupting our date, HA! At a different bar a crazy drunk girl said she wanted to "put it on me" and tried really hard to make that happen. Followed by crashing at a really great friend's house, who interestingly enough I went on the first of these four first dates with. What a fun night, there was laughing, crying, falling, punching, yelling, spooning, and even an early AM shame-free walk of shame. I got loads of female attention which I love regardless of the outcome. SOmetimes its better to have no outcome, I guess.

First dates are odd. It's like going on a job interview and bribing your potential employer with free dinner. I'm going to make every effort to avoid such things in the future. If I like a girl the last thing I want is to endure the anemia of sitting across the table from her. Its WAY to much pressure, and its self defeating in the spontaneity department.

Old Tricks

My run in with Nurse Girl was short lived. We hung out a couple times made out had fun but it seems to have run its course. I may have gotten a little too stoked about it.

It happens a lot more often than not with me that girls are interested and want to continue to date and get relationship minded. I've talked about that plenty of times. I tend to take it for granted, and get all surprised when it doesn't go that way.

I had suspicions that maybe this would be a quick one. This girl, of any of the women I've dated in the last two years really got my attention. She's extremely beautiful, really cool, and hilarious. I saw a nice bit of potential with her. I found myself texting more than I should, thinking about her WAY more than I should, and really looking forward to seeing what unfolds. All speed no gas, sputter sputter choke.

I made all my moves recklessly with it in mind that it always works out for me. HA! I'm not very good at not acting how I feel about a girl. I suppose with past women I was interested enough to get to know them, and realize its not for me. Thus being a challenge to them and increasing my appeal. In this case I was pretty clear that I was into her, subtly of course. I lost the advantage and she lost interest. Or maybe I've been reading too many dating sites, possibly the Dennis system(I just watched it.)

The night of shame is worth mentioning. I met NG at a bar/small venue to see her friend's band. Her crew was rolling deep, I came solo. I didn't really see the point in bringing back up.

She was cool but easily distracted. I thought "okay all her friends are here, and she doesn't want to babysit the new guy." I can hold my own with strangers, I wasn't terribly worried. Her B.F.F. is another story. That girl obnoxiously would not leave her side, dragged her all over the bar, interrupted any and all conversations I had with NG, and gave me one word responses to any attempts to talk to her. Totally horrible, I wanted to throw my beer in her face. It was probably planned, but the friend way overdid it. I finally caught NG alone and blah blah blah, bad timing speech. Sweet. To top it off, my ex was hanging out in my usual bar when I bolted, and she doesn't even drink.

Next is The Kitchen Witch.

Pick Up Artist

Friday the 13th I was at my usual bar with a friend of mine after work. Pretty standard night. Then an amazingly attractive girl sat down at the other end of the bar. Alone.

Glance, panic, glance, panic.... STOP GLANCING IDIOT!

I decided that I didn't have the proper energy level and still a little too heartbroken to talk to a beautiful girl cold. I mentioned all this to my friend. He insisted I go talk to her, "Nope, can't pull it off tonight." Not to mention, I think I've actually ever done this once before.

He was getting up to go have a smoke when he says loudly enough for anyone in a 10 foot radius to hear "Hey Bob, get that girl another drink and put it on Chronically Attached's tab!"

Oh god, now I'm on the spot AND look like a total pussy.

So, I spent 10 seconds devising a plan and walked over sweating like a boxing montage. I apologized for my friend embarrassing the both of us and started a chat. We talked all night. We made each other laugh and had a good time. I walked her to her car and she said "Man I am wired, what do you want to do?" (my inner dialogue) Huh? really? Wait... is this actually happening?

We went back to my apartment. As luck would have it I had a bottle of wine I brought back from Paris, a painting on an easel that I'm working on, clean bathroom, and my itunes was on point for her musical taste. I could not have been in a better position to wow a cool girl. The best part is that it was all legit. We talked for a bit, made out for a bit, moved it to the bedroom. I said "lets keep it light and not do it tonight" I saw her eyes light up and a smile flash on her face. We went to sleep around 5 am.

The next morning she said "we're hanging out again, right?" we exchanged numbers and kissed goodbye.

Totally awesome.

I'll call her Nurse Girl in future posts.

I may have met a mind blowing girl.