Depressed

Okay, so I'm pretty fucking depressed. I can't decide what to do or how to deal with it. There are several contributing factors. The first is: I'm BROKE! This is the slow season for my business and I work on commission, no work no dollars. Second: a tooth is bothering me, and I need a bunch of dental work besides, no insurance, no money. Third: quitting smoking isn't directly making me depressed, but it is one of the things I did to cope with depression. Which means I'm dealing with depression for the first time in 11 years without. Fourth: its winter, winter always makes me depressed. Fifth: I AM LONELY!!!!! I don't have any great leads on girls right now, and I'm way too bummed out to have the energy to make some, plus no loot makes it challenging to meet girls. So I guess I'm saying being broke bleeds into it all and that's what's really bothering me.

I have plenty of good friends that care about me, but there is such a hole in my usual state of being without a girlfriend. It gets to me knowing that at the moment no one loves me like that, and hasn't for some time. I try to appreciate the opportunity I have in living alone unattached and how good that is for me in the long run. I also try to keep in mind that in taking this time I'm building a better and more honest version of myself with more character. My sense of being isn't defined by the refuse of a failed relationship, shined up for the new girl almost immediately following. In the end I'll have a better chance to meet a woman that I feel a real and honest connection with. I mean that is what I really want inevitably. I know that can't happen right now and I need to be tenacious in my pursuit of self awareness. I have to remind myself that in the meantime I have had a lot of fun and had great encounters with a lot of women (well a lot for me anyway) and will have more. Everyone is shacked up and banging someone they met in the summertime right now. When spring arrives half of them will break up and I won't be broke or depressed. I'll be hopeful and eager.

I may have forgotten to take my Wellbutrin today, but I don't think it actually does very much.