Note to myself

Hey idiot!

The next time you talk to a girl all night and at 2 am she asks:

"How are you getting home? Do you want a ride?"

don't ever say:

"Nah, its cool, I have my bike."

"Ding!"

Quitting smoking 2 "The Heretic." I'm determined to have this be the last sequel.

Red Flags

This post is about sexual errors. Coincidentally as I'm typing there is a huge red error banner at the top of the screen because auto save isn't working. A sexual error is one of those times when you know you know better but ignore the inevitable carnage and dive into the abyss that is sleeping with a crazy person.

It unfolded in the way that a stream can carve a canyon, persistent erosion of fortitude, oh and alcohol. One night after months of Psycho Girl working on me I ended up at her place to hang out. Just friends. The voice of good sense was still strong in my brain that night.

Her place: Take your shoes off at the door (I've hated no shoes houses since age 5). It was obscenely neat and orderly, including doilies under every decorative plant or knick knack on every surface. Her complete Martha Stewart Living collection was on display in her hutch. Yes a 27 year old with a hutch. She has a real grandma sensibility about home decor. She showed me her target from the shooting range which was a 70's style male bandit. I couldn't help but notice the number of holes in both the head and crotch of this potential assailant and how there weren't many stray holes. Then I got to see PG's childhood photo albums! All this while (no lie, I swear) Cape Fear is playing in the background. Holy crap! I got out alive and couldn't have been more relieved.

I had all the evidence before me, and yet...

After a long dry spell from girls on a usual Monday at a bar with my boss PG was still at it. I hadn't hung out with her alone since seeing her stepford wife's lair. We were talking about dating in the general sense and she said "all I want to do is cook, do laundry, and have sex. What's wrong with that?" I thought, that sounds like a good deal. PG is a cute girl, not thin but not overweight either, physically fine. She has a reputation for being overbearing, jealous, and angry.

Drinks go by...

I started to justify things.

So she has a crazy reputation, maybe she's misunderstood?

Drink...

Maybe its because she really wants a serious boyfriend, I'm open to the possibility, in theory.

Drink...

She's probably really good in bed, I mean she has to be to keep dudes from running away.

Drink...

Maybe I should give her a chance. Or at least have sex with her?

What can I say. I cracked. I slept with Psycho Girl. After the deed was done she said "you're probably going to regret this tomorrow" WHAT!? I assured her that that wasn't the case, and I'd be down for hanging out again sometime. I was (at least sort of), I did.

We have a lot of friends in common. I met her at a small house party several days later. The vibe I got from the women in the room was, he's going to be her boyfriend! They were creepily friendly and inviting, like sirens. Oh, and everyone was doing coke including PG. Not at all my thing.

The next time we hung out I noticed any time I received a text message she was compelled to ask who it was. That's way more annoying than my answering a few text messages, not to mention really intrusive.

By the fourth time we hung out she bought a pair of tickets for an event six weeks away? Near her birthday? Um scary! We went out. We were hanging out with a mutual female friend who is in the same business as I am. The friend "Dee" and I talked for 20 minutes. In the meantime MS went to another floor of the bar. A short while later I saw her leave without so much as a glance, and she looked pissed.

I let a little time pass and I start texting:

CA: where did you go?

PG: I was bored, so I left.

CA: oh, okay. Goodnight.

PG: yeah.

(2 hours later)

PG: have fun with Dee!

CA: what? she's friends with both of us? Talked about work.

PG: whatever, guess she more fun than me.

CA: WHAT??

PG: have a blast!

CA: Um, I'm not at all into unfounded jealousy.

It may have continued a little longer but I don't remember. I stopped hanging out with her. I didn't have a conversation or anything just totally stopped communication. Also my birthday was approaching and I didn't want her involved. I see her around still. I try to say hi but she always does the intentional-look-in-a-different-direction maneuver. She pretends not to notice me, but I can feel her glaring at all times. I'm certain one night there will be some insane loud public attempt to humiliate me, she's done it before.

I can't believe how many red flags I ignored. Its embarrassing.

First dates are for friends

Last night I went on my fourth and final "first date" since my breakup almost two years ago. Any of the women I have had anything going on with in that time weren't the ones that I went on a date with, at least initially.

I have been chatting up Kitchen Witch for a couple weeks, she works at bar I frequent. My options for making moves were: "hey what are you up to after work?" meaning 2 am, meaning my apartment to do it. Or "hey do you wanna hang out sometime when you're not working?" meaning date, meaning let's see how it goes before we do it. I chose the latter.

The lead up and the details of the date are pretty standard and unimportant. We had a good time, there was a lot to talk about, it was cool. Snore... I wasn't feeling it and neither was she. I did have a crush on her going in, but there was no mojo. She called it first, I was relieved. It was over by 9.

I managed to resurrect the night by going out and bumping into some girls I know. I got kissed on the cheek by a girl that I have no interest in, but hanging out with her is always cool. She also helped me dodge an annoying dude I know by yelling at him for interrupting our date, HA! At a different bar a crazy drunk girl said she wanted to "put it on me" and tried really hard to make that happen. Followed by crashing at a really great friend's house, who interestingly enough I went on the first of these four first dates with. What a fun night, there was laughing, crying, falling, punching, yelling, spooning, and even an early AM shame-free walk of shame. I got loads of female attention which I love regardless of the outcome. SOmetimes its better to have no outcome, I guess.

First dates are odd. It's like going on a job interview and bribing your potential employer with free dinner. I'm going to make every effort to avoid such things in the future. If I like a girl the last thing I want is to endure the anemia of sitting across the table from her. Its WAY to much pressure, and its self defeating in the spontaneity department.

Old Tricks

My run in with Nurse Girl was short lived. We hung out a couple times made out had fun but it seems to have run its course. I may have gotten a little too stoked about it.

It happens a lot more often than not with me that girls are interested and want to continue to date and get relationship minded. I've talked about that plenty of times. I tend to take it for granted, and get all surprised when it doesn't go that way.

I had suspicions that maybe this would be a quick one. This girl, of any of the women I've dated in the last two years really got my attention. She's extremely beautiful, really cool, and hilarious. I saw a nice bit of potential with her. I found myself texting more than I should, thinking about her WAY more than I should, and really looking forward to seeing what unfolds. All speed no gas, sputter sputter choke.

I made all my moves recklessly with it in mind that it always works out for me. HA! I'm not very good at not acting how I feel about a girl. I suppose with past women I was interested enough to get to know them, and realize its not for me. Thus being a challenge to them and increasing my appeal. In this case I was pretty clear that I was into her, subtly of course. I lost the advantage and she lost interest. Or maybe I've been reading too many dating sites, possibly the Dennis system(I just watched it.)

The night of shame is worth mentioning. I met NG at a bar/small venue to see her friend's band. Her crew was rolling deep, I came solo. I didn't really see the point in bringing back up.

She was cool but easily distracted. I thought "okay all her friends are here, and she doesn't want to babysit the new guy." I can hold my own with strangers, I wasn't terribly worried. Her B.F.F. is another story. That girl obnoxiously would not leave her side, dragged her all over the bar, interrupted any and all conversations I had with NG, and gave me one word responses to any attempts to talk to her. Totally horrible, I wanted to throw my beer in her face. It was probably planned, but the friend way overdid it. I finally caught NG alone and blah blah blah, bad timing speech. Sweet. To top it off, my ex was hanging out in my usual bar when I bolted, and she doesn't even drink.

Next is The Kitchen Witch.

Pick Up Artist

Friday the 13th I was at my usual bar with a friend of mine after work. Pretty standard night. Then an amazingly attractive girl sat down at the other end of the bar. Alone.

Glance, panic, glance, panic.... STOP GLANCING IDIOT!

I decided that I didn't have the proper energy level and still a little too heartbroken to talk to a beautiful girl cold. I mentioned all this to my friend. He insisted I go talk to her, "Nope, can't pull it off tonight." Not to mention, I think I've actually ever done this once before.

He was getting up to go have a smoke when he says loudly enough for anyone in a 10 foot radius to hear "Hey Bob, get that girl another drink and put it on Chronically Attached's tab!"

Oh god, now I'm on the spot AND look like a total pussy.

So, I spent 10 seconds devising a plan and walked over sweating like a boxing montage. I apologized for my friend embarrassing the both of us and started a chat. We talked all night. We made each other laugh and had a good time. I walked her to her car and she said "Man I am wired, what do you want to do?" (my inner dialogue) Huh? really? Wait... is this actually happening?

We went back to my apartment. As luck would have it I had a bottle of wine I brought back from Paris, a painting on an easel that I'm working on, clean bathroom, and my itunes was on point for her musical taste. I could not have been in a better position to wow a cool girl. The best part is that it was all legit. We talked for a bit, made out for a bit, moved it to the bedroom. I said "lets keep it light and not do it tonight" I saw her eyes light up and a smile flash on her face. We went to sleep around 5 am.

The next morning she said "we're hanging out again, right?" we exchanged numbers and kissed goodbye.

Totally awesome.

I'll call her Nurse Girl in future posts.

I may have met a mind blowing girl.

Friends

I've been meaning to write about my friendships, and how I've noticed changes in the dynamic. Alliances, wars, baby making, real jobs, marriage, divorce, alcoholism, petty betrayal, its all blowing apart and realigning.

I used to have a very tight core of friends for the better part of a decade. We went through our twenties together. We all survived, well... all but one, and held it together as a family, picking each other up when we fall. Laughing about all of the head wounds and broken teeth and nights gone daylight.

We are all friends still, but priorities have changed. Splits have happened. I'm feeling a little bit like I'm on an island.

There's the 9-5 weekend warriors that I never see since my career is the polar opposite. We don't have as much in common, they're settling in and I'm still searching for answers. They have an occasional BBQ or birthday party. These are the ones that were shocked and wide-eyed when I suggested shots one night out. Apparently when you're in your thirties its frowned upon in favor of micro brews that taste like ass.

There are the shut-ins who never want to go outside of a three block radius from their home and prefer the depressing corner bar. We still hang out and its fun once every couple weeks. We have meaningful conversations. However I feel like I'm the only one interested in trying anything new. My closest friend falls in this category.

Then there's the completely unreliable must-be-out-and-crazy-at-all-times, self servers. Who are on a constant quest to find someone to hook up with, or top the last crazy story they had. And don't seem to have an attention span for anything else. I guess I fall into this category the most. Except these are the friends who's retail and bar jobs don't really matter. My job is very important to me and I usually get annoyed with how drunk people get when they start either at work, or hours before I meet up. Their thing is a little more shallow than what I'm interested in.

The problem with these three camps is that each is its own subcategory of the whole, and they tend to criticize the others. My problem is that my schedule and interests being what they are, I don't feel a real connection to any one. I float in between, and feel like an outsider among people that I've never felt that way with. It bums me out and makes me feel lonely.

So what do I do?

I don't know.

I tend to go out alone a lot to "see what happens." I feel like a transplant in my home town because I don't really know anyone. I'm becoming a barfly. I went to Paris alone to be a barfly. I tell myself that it's cool because I'm a brooding artist drinking shitty beer, who could give a fuck about anything around me. Lies. I try to look interesting (whatever that means), so that I get into weird bar talks with other flies. The idea of forging valuable connections with new people seems pointless. I spent thirteen years finding the best of the best. I don't have the time, or the stupidity to do it again. I have met a couple new people that I really care about and count among my good friends.

I suppose I'm jealous of certain aspects of each of the groups my friends have divided into, but can't embrace the doctrine of any one.

I thought this blog was over.

I've been at it again.

This summer saw the demise of a couple girls that were unfortunate enough to meet me. I still haven't mastered the art of hanging out with a girl and not having them get all wedged into my life. I jump ship as soon as they start thinking I'm boyfriend material. I mean, I am but I'm not about to give up on whatever it is I'm failing to learn as a single dude.

That doesn't matter though.

I had recently decided to break my long standing policy regarding ex's.

Which is: Friendly, not friends. No booty calls, or getting back together. Ever! and under no circumstances.

There was never a specific reason for this rule, I've always thought it was good common sense and abided by it. There have been plenty of difficult nights of weakness, in either the sad or wanting to do it ways, where I was severely tempted. I always held my ground and waited for the morning.

That changed in August, right around my birthday. She had a gift for me and wanted to take me out to dinner.

After a number of encounters with her, things felt good. We both seemed to have gained a lot of perspective on our lives. I could see the look in her eye, and remembered how exactly the same our sense of humor is. It was like a fire. I could tell she was still into me, and I realized I was too. So, I gave her a silver dollar and a kiss. I threw down my carefully prepared walls to let her in with everything I had. I didn't see the point in being cautious, my rule was broken and I didn't want to blow it by being timid. For the first time in 2 years invested emotions with someone.

It was awesome for a few weeks. It all felt right to me. We were back, and the near future looked fun. Then she started to retract. She was irritable, and less involved. Then she'd switch it up and be really into me. We had some talks, made some compromises, tried to understand. I felt my walls building themselves up again. I lost my usual swagger, and filled with uncertainty. I became her fool, bending and swaying to suit her mood. Not good.

On one fateful, beer inspired night of frustration I snapped. I called her out on her bullshit and said shame on you. The next morning feeling like I'd said too much, I tried to take some of it back and move forward with her. She wasn't into it, it ended.

Damn.

I licked the salt from my wounds and ran into the night on broken legs.

Yesterday I felt stronger, my blood was warm and pumping. My asshole demeanor and snarky arrogance were speaking to me once again. I felt like Frankenstein must have when he got zapped on the rooftop. It feels good.

I'm back on track. Single and not dating.

Quitting Smoking Day 5

Today is not hard, but not easy either.

I've been reading quit smoking journals, they help, but often come off as (pardon the expression) gay as shit! So here's my contribution to the gay bouillabaisse of quitting. Its like part of you is dying, while another forgotten part is coming back to life, the two collide and its hard to deal with.

I'm quitting smoking. It fucking sucks.

Solo missions

Errand running is an occasion when I really notice my singularity, like when someone you see every day gets a haircut. Two errands in particular really jump down my throat. Those being the laundry-mat and going to the market (yes market, grocery stores are for couples and families with cars).

At the market I always see some random middle aged dude with a lonely basket filled with heart healthy food stuffs. Likely all the stuff that he fought his now ex wife about when they were married.  I don't see many solo women, maybe they go in groups, like the bathroom at a bar.

I am a really great cook. When I'm with someone I really enjoy making excellent dinners. Needless to say Im not huge on it of late. I do still try to make myself something occasionally that isn't out of a box or a can. My basket is a lonely one. 

One small steak, not two

A bag of coffee beans that will last one person a week.

A pint of milk 

A loaf of bread (half will be frozen, they don't sell half loaves)

4 cans of cat food

A box of mac and cheese

A bagel for morning

A block of cheese for kicks

I don't feel down about the realization. I just look at what I'm buying and notice the lack of a second person in the quantity. I know I'll go home, make a nice meal and feel alright about it.

The laundromat with its quiet humming smelling of synthetic freshness. I go bi-weekly, that's when my underwear supply runs out. The lady there recognizes me. She's pushing fifty, round, grey, nice. Exactly the qualities I look for in a laundromat lady. We exchange pleasantries I go about my business.

I can't help but feel like I'm in an 80's movie when I'm there. The dated machines, florescent lights, the yellow and brown color scheme. I can imagine at any moment a sassy new wave girl to walk in smoking carrying a neon Benneton bag stuffed with laundry while dancing along to her walkman. With the rise in popularity of American Apparel gear I may yet see it minus the walkman and indoor smoking. It hasn't happened yet.

I live across the street so I do the pop in and out tactic when doing the wash. I enjoy folding my clothes, I didn't used to. My ex always handled that, it was nice. I still think its pleasant to have a neatly organized stack of clean, as opposed to my old pile method of clean, semi, and dirty. 

It's all mine though, no random shirt or panties mixed in with my stuff. I only see women in the laundromat, however they are older. I don't reside in a neighborhood with an attractive young populous. I go in the mid afternoon usually, maybe all the pretty people are working while I mix it up with house wives. This is where I really know that I'm on my own. I can feel it. Its not a bad feeling, but its as apparent as the smell of clean.

God Damn Strippers

Tonight was my second night out with ridiculous strippers. They are like a bottomless cup of fun and hilarity, like cartoons. Love these girls in all honestly. My friend "Bob" was chosen as my wing man in these 2 endeavors, and he owes me. 

The first night out we danced, did after hours and a diner. We were kept men, all drinks cabs and food were insistently covered. The girls robbed the diner blind of everything on the table most of which exploded on the sidewalk as it fell from their tiny clothing.  They did leave a massive tip to cover the assholery.

Tonight was more of the same minus diner robbery because there aren't too many all night diners in Philly. That and we couldn't have them paying for everything again.

So much fun that I really needed. I am too drunk and not able to do justice to how fantastic these girls are.  I think the key was to go out and have a good time and not try to have sex with them just because of what they do for a living. However a little good clean making out never hurt anyone. 

Vaj Tease

So there's three girls lately that I run into with semi regularity, and my ex that are all trying to get in my pants these days. I'm not bragging. I'm trying to keep the ladies at arms length right now.  They are all attractive and cool in their own ways, and they each carry their own big ass red flag. I kinda love the attention, but no amount of alcohol will result in follow through on my part. I just take it to the edge of my own temptation and call it a night. 

I've mentioned my friend (Karen) that I'm attempting to date before, it seems to be fizzling out. I'm losing interest and its beginning to feel a little forced on both sides (that's a whole entry in itself that I don't feel like writing, but may if the conclusion is snappy). She was one reason for staying out of trouble. The main reason was to lay low and pull my head in a little, so I don't feel certain that I'm faking it. Plus dating is fucking stressful and I needed a break for the most part.

I'm realizing that its pretty fun to have a few girls all trying hard that I don't intend on anything with. I even told one that "I'm doing a celibate thing right now"  which is making her try harder. My closest friend is a girl. Whenever she's single she always has at least six dudes in her spider web, and when she's bored she'll tug on one of the strings. The dude she ends up dating always comes out of left field. I've never gone about it that way and always felt it was a little cruel. I've also never had a time period long enough without at least a slight commitment to develop a selection.

I'm sure now that I've noticed my -not at all interested but I'll play along- vibe that I seem to be giving off will shift and stop working.  

*The ex got a mention, but as a rule I don't do the booty call thing. My entry "Ex Bomb" covers some of the details. 

Crushes

Tonight I invented a new crush out of thin air like David Copperfield, though I feel like his thing is making things disappear. I did a background check with some friends that know her a little better and they separately warned me that she's crazy. My first impulse was "she's hot and seems cool, she's probably not crazy, that's just how she's perceived." Upon more consideration I decided to trust my friends better judgement and pass down the verdict of crazy. That is all. 

Ex Bomb

Lately I've been feeling increasingly happier each day. The weather is turning to spring, I'm growing more comfortable inside my skin, I have an out of town fling going on, I'm going to Paris, etc. I'm generally feeling enlivened and looking forward to the coming months. 

Naturally the cosmic GPS has alerted my ex to my upbeat vibe so that she can interrupt my life and shit all over it. It started with an awkward run in. She was at one of my usual spots with some friends specifically a dude named Shadow (his "real" name is just as absurd, so no exaggeration). Shadow is your typical cyber/goth tool box who was a player in our break up.  This didn't phase me too bad honestly. I've been busy in the seeing new people department, Philly is a small town. We exchanged a few how are you doing pleasantries and that was it. Until the next day when I got a "lets get a drink" text (she quit drinking). Not wanting to come off as in any way phased by our run in I agreed. I proceeded to get hammered as I do prior to any unwanted conversation with a girl. We met, I got more hammered. The conversation migrated toward her explaining "how much she misses me, nothing is going on with Shadow, I still love you, I made a mistake" blah blah. I stopped it by saying I'm willing to attempt being friends and that's it.

The following day I got an enormous email full of all the fabricated clarity of hindsight. I didn't respond. The next day I got some wacky texts to remind me of how funny she still is. Yesterday I got a phone call seeing if I wanted to see a movie with her. CRAZY!!! She's really not crazy, or pathetic, she's really stepping out of character here. I text " I'm willing (but as a rule don't) to try being just friends but I need you to back off." 

I'm doubt I will take an active role in that friendship at this point in time. Obviously its too soon or impossible.  I'm not super upset or tempted to get involved with her at all. However, my mood in general has taken a dive. All the positives in my life that I'm trying to focus on and build from feel lack-luster. All the negative more apparent. Its fucking bullshit.

This isn't the first time she's managed to stick her ass in my face when things begin to go well for me. She has a super power for sensing it every time it seems. I really don't want to be a jerk to her, I hope it won't come to that. I can't have her disrupting my life again.

  Life is good.

 Last night I had a run in with new boobs. Its like how your supposed to pause and check out the roses from time to time. There is little better in life than new boobs. Tonight I got free beer and shot from the real hot bartender at the Barbary, and when I turned to walk away she grabbed my ass. Followed by dancing with two pretty and awesome girls all night. 

Nights like this help me to wipe away my tears of unfathomable boredom that happen occasionally. So I can be reminded be of how great it is to be unattached. Plus it didn't feel like fucking winter. 

Single Vacation Tax

I've been debating a vacation for a few months. I haven't had one in over three years. Part of the reason for that was my ex was a dead-beat. I couldn't afford both the lost pay (I work on commission) and paying for her, because I was too busy paying all of our bills. These days I have the possibility for a solo trip to Europe. In doing so I can eat like a dirt bag, stay in the crappiest hotel, and do whatever pleases me. Vacationing with a girl has certain fundamental requirements. There is an inherent compulsion to do things on the nicer side. There's also having to agree on what to do, and hoping she is sufficiently entertained and happy. It becomes the relationship's (her) vacation, its annoying. In short, any vacation I've had involved a girl, and I always found myself making too many compromises.

I decided on Paris for six nights the first week of May. In the process of finding deals and talking to people I had a shocking revelation. All the best ones require two adult travelers! As soon as you change the booking to one adult the price goes from $700+ per person to $1100+! What the hell? After digging around for a while I managed to find a package where I was only taxed an extra $200 for being a loser. My hotel should be interesting, its definitely crappy and in the very active red light district. However the location is amazing. I can imagine the would be complaints from any of my ex's and it makes me laugh.

With my trip booked and feeling elated I thought I'd tell my parents what I've been up to. Neither of them have been to Europe, and I was looking forward to their reactions.

It goes like this:

me: I'm going to Paris in May for a week!!!!

parents: who are you going with?

me: I'm going alone it's going to be great!!!

 ---long pause--- 

Mom: you're going to the most romantic city in the world alone?

that sucks.

me: No it's great, I'll do whatever I want and be a weirdo artist in

Paris!!!

Mom: I still don't know why you'd pick Paris, can't you take that

New York girl with you? It would be so nice.

ME: Mom, your missing the point.

My Dad was a little kinder but just as perplexed. Despite a big maneuver to pull my shit together and find my feet my parents think I'm more of a hot mess than ever. I don't require their validation, but even at my age I still like a little parental praise.

I am aware of the one thing a couple vacation has to offer which I will miss out on, that being vacation sex. I'm going to try to make lemon-aids out of that and attempt international stranger sex. If I can meet a french girl that isn't a hooker.

Being single is boring and lonely sometimes. I'm fighting the urge to aimlessly go to a bar, and debating calling people I never hang out with to hang out. I feel like I'm going through detox.  Stupid itchy invisible spiders.

Round Three

I visited my long time friend with whom I have a pleasantly bubbling science experiment of late (I've been calling her Karen here). The back story is in previous posts. This was the first time we've seen each other since we expressed our mutual curiosity in each other. 

Day 1

For my first night in her town initially we had plans to hang out alone but she switched it up last minute. I wasn't a fan of the new plan. It was dinner and drinks with her best friend female roommate, her gay friend (neither of whom I've met) and my oldest friend. I appreciated her consideration in supplying me with back up to counter her special forces unit. It was clear that I needed to charm her, the best friend, and the gay friend enough so he says something like "Girl! if you don't I will!" and she says "You bitch! you get all the good ones." It went well. I did a decent job all around except I think I may have spent more effort on her friends than I did on her.  This whole thing is so precarious I really need her people on my side. We went our separate ways at the end and hugged goodnight... damn. Then I went to agonize the details over beers with the dude I've been friends with for 25 years.

Day 2 

I met Karen at her job when she was finishing up so we could drive back to her place together. She suggested we make dinner followed by a bar hop. Sounds as though the likely post-hangout girl talk session was favorable. We made dinner the mood was playful and good. Her roommate came home and asked me for a male's perspective on a dude she has a run in with, awesome! Karen and I killed 2 bottles of wine then went out. We happened on a bar with a jazz hip hop group performing that was really great. Drank/talked/drank etc until 3 am.

We arrived at her door. Despite our long history, I felt it would be cheating to skip the awkward outside the door posturing that occurs at the end of any good first date. I pulled her aside and explained this, she played along for a minute and said "Can we just go inside already? Its freezing!" More wine... Smoking on the balcony we started in analyzing how we're friends and this is going to change the dynamic all over with us, and all our mutual friends, blah blah blah. I grabbed her waist at a pause and kissed her. We went up stairs pretended to watch television while having a PG13 make out session then passed out. 

In the morning she made me breakfast then we made the 2 hour drive back to Philly together (our home towns are Philly suburbs, and she had some family stuff going on). We talked the whole way on relationship failures of the past, ugh. We are both extremely jaded. I kissed her goodbye and hopped out of the car late for work. We left it as "we'll see what happens." We also devised an absurd cover story to tell our friends to keep the gossip wheel from grinding us into a paste. One couple went so far as to say " We're rooting for you guys, we need a new power couple" WHAT?! No thanks.

I'm not emboldened enough to claim that I have successfully transversed the friendship gap, but I do seem to be on the way.

Underpants

Yesterday I decided it was time to invest in some new underwear. It then occurred to me that I haven't actually bought my own unmentionables in at least ten years, to the point where I had to check the size. How is this possible for a grown man? Well, in every relationship I've had, my girlfriend at the time has always bought them for me. In the small gaps between I have enough to tide me over until the next girl picks up the mantle. I've never asked for the manty of the month service it has just always been the case. 

 

I'm not sure if the girl of the moment realizes that my ex made all those purchases, or if they actually enjoy it. Maybe they're just observant and realize that I never take it upon myself to freshen up my stock (I'm a clean guy, but I will wear something 'till it falls apart). There's not really ever been a discussion or even a decision on the matter. I always appreciate it, and just figure she'll pick out what she prefers me to wear. The last girl bought me boxer briefs, I've never worn those before. The girl before her bought me wacky boxers usually of the Halloween persuasion, not of the Tweety Bird variety! I do have taste. I would also have to decline anything that comes in a tube. 

I now find myself alone in the world and it seems I have to fend for myself. I went with classic black boxer briefs. They're comfortable enough, and I think its a safe choice for any no-pants-parties I may encounter.

 

Now I'm trying to decide if I should throw out all the old ones. They represent times that have passed, when someone made the effort to do something nice for me. Is it disrespectful to future ladies to wear something my ex wife purchased 5 years ago, probably while giggling to herself about how ridiculous the coffins and skulls are on her newest find?

Serial Monogamist

Apparently a blogger with the name "Serial Monogamist" is really bent out of shape about the fact that I, unknowing of her position as the official trademark holder on the term, have been using Single Monogamist as my handle. I didn't steal it either, its the whole point of my blog. I didn't find out about her until I checked out the "Dating Is Weird" blog of which she is a contributor. Though my blog did used to be called  "The Single Serial Monogamist" I quickly realized there are more of us out there, and I don't want to come off as pompous. 

I have changed my handle to Chronically Attached. Hopefully the pea has been dislodged from beneath her mattress and she can get a good nights rest. 

I'm here for self help, rambling and venting. I am completely new to blogging, I'm unaware of the  etiquette and I'm sure I'll do something else reprehensible, and someone new will hunt me down when I do.

Anyways, Dating is Weird is a pretty entertaining read, I hope they don't get even more pissed at me when I change my blog title to "Blogging is Weird."

Thursday

So I was supposed to work on a big design job kinda thing today, but the "big push" as it goes didn't happen as expected. 

What happened was my friend Jenny talked a bunch of us going downtown to drink. But in reality she wanted to go to American Apparel, and  tricked all parties, the old bait and switch. Somehow it always works. That was followed by mega beers at O Niels, then Mc Glinchy's, some form of food, getting lost among warehouses, smashing vacuums, stealing beer from an ending premiere party that was packed with college freshmen, going to the Barbary to be surprised by open bar, lastly a bro down with 2 extras we picked up along the way at my apartment, and its not even 2 am.

Breaking up when there was no commitment?

Last night I did my duty and broke the casual thing with Julie off clean. It was a little sad, she's a sweet girl and didn't deserve meeting a dude like me. I'm pretty incapable of forming any serious attachment but come off like I can (that's fucked up). Being a man that only knows serious relationships I don't do the best job of keeping it loose and casual, I've never learned that lesson. I guess I'm learning it now.

I went home feeling like a severely unwashed ass. I text a newer friend whom I have a growing respect for and seems to always be awake at 4 am. I've gotten the impression that she treats dating as more of a sociological experiment, with tactical precision, more from the viewpoint of an observer than a participant. I might be wrong, but she has good insight. I said something to the effect of my second sentence to her, she replied " ... and that's a crying shame."

Initially I thought that was a shitty way to be, but quickly realized she nailed it. 

I'm not saying I will embrace an utterly uncaring attitude, I prefer a degree of sensitivity. However I need to toughen up a little. If I can, I will probably do a more responsible job of dating where I'm not sucker punching anyone then hating myself for it after. Its a game, I'm beginning to understand the rules and devise my strategy. 

Sleep, what's that?

After weeks of debauch and not being able to recall what it is to fall asleep sober, last night I went to my apartment. I hung out with my cat, didn't drink or smoke anything and went to bed by 2. I was really worried that my body forgot how to sleep without enhancement, turns out its like riding a bike. I feel awesome today. I have my doubts about pulling it off again tonight. I'm feeling pretty squirrelly about telling Karen I have a thing for her and Sunday is a good night at the bar I like. 

The conclusion

Wednesday night wasn't all that crazy. My ex ended up rescheduling the exchange of my left behind belongings. That was a relief, unfortunately its only postponed to next week.

I met with Karen as planned and our married friends went to dinner with us. They later went home leaving Karen and I to ourselves. We had drinks at the bar where Josh works did a little after hours then went to my apartment. I lost my nerve once again and had another night of spooning with her. 

I'm really not that much of a pussy, but there's a long standing, quality friendship here. The vibes are hard to read, and too forward of an act could undermine the trust and utterly betray the friendship. I don't want that, its creepy and I'm already feeling like a creep. Besides spooning with a beautiful girl is never a bad thing. We woke up spent a lot of time lounging around, it was so comfortable and pleasant. I felt like a million bucks and could not yet feel the hangover. Which took over the minute she had to leave and kept me in bed until 2 pm with the smell of her hair on the pillow.

Fast forward to Friday night. I met Karen and friends for dancing. But blew off other friends at a birthday party.  I've also been blowing off  Julie for over a week now. Fun night, went back to married couples house where Josh happens to live. Typical house drinking after-party. Around 4:30 everyone's milling around getting ready to go home. Karen asked me if I was staying...

I lingered until we were alone. 

Then I dropped the bomb.

I said "I noticed lately that I may have a slight crush on you, and feel weird about it. And rather than be shady and plotting I thought I'd tell you, and be up front about it." She felt similarly and said she was glad I told her and its not that weird. A lot of awkward silence ensued and she asked me to spend the night. I did but still couldn't bring myself to kiss her. We had some intermittent talking and just went to sleep, more spooning. I suck. Its too much and too weird, plus I still have Julie to think about.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Despite trying to stay single and not be a serial monogamist, It seems like I'm hoping from casual encounter to casual encounter, and now am involving a close friend.

My plan is to clear the decks of women, not get involved at all. And look forward to slowly seeing where my crush on Karen goes now that its in the open. She lives 2 hours away and our work schedules aren't even slightly similar. Its a pretty pitiful outlook at best. I don't know why I'm bothering, except for the fact that we've never had any type of timing to get together, and I've always had a thing for her. The timing is bad now but fuck it, I want to give it a shot anyways.

Tomorrow is a recipe for crazy.

Well, 

The rundown goes like this:

Wake up in the am for the cable guy, clean, laundry mat, dye hair.

Pretty mundane, this is where it gets crazy.

I have to go to my ex's to get some stuff I left behind. It will undoubtedly be heady. I had plans afterwards with Julie whom I'm loosely seeing. I cancelled them because Karen, a long time friend who I spent a fantastic New Years with will be in town.  I may have felt a spark between her and I but didn't act on it at the time. I think this is how the shtick with different hats and different women starts. 

So far Karen and I have dinner then drinks plans, but I don't know if its a solo mission or if we're involving more friends. Its all weird, crazy, and uncertain being as we've been strictly friends for the past twelve or so years. I don't think she's clued into what's going on in my head. However to all of our mutual friends my sudden interest in her is painfully transparent.

There is a wild card in the mix too, my very good friend Josh will possibly be around. He and Karen dated briefly years ago and he's never given up hope (he has a few girls in this category). He and I spoke on this and its all fine. Josh has a total disregard for dude rules and definitely fucked me over with a girl in the past. Even so I could see him maneuvering to keep Karen and I from having a chance to get cozy. 

Tomorrow is going to be wild. For good or bad I can't say.

Why I'm here.

I'm starting this blog to record my experience as a man in his early thirties who has had a string of back to back long term, failed relationships. I've been single and since the end of June 2008. My then girlfriend of three years broke up with me for reasons which aren't necessary to go into here being as this is about my single life. 

 

 In the last six months I've been trying my best to maintain single status. However as is in my nature I always seem to veer towards attachment. It has happened twice now. The first was a catastrophe and I really hurt someones feelings. The second I'm in the middle of now, and formulating a plan for a discreet exit. 

The point of my trying maintain single status is to change the pattern that has held true my entire adult life. A pattern which is flawed. I want to have a better understanding of myself without the pretense of a relationship to influence my behavior.  I want to have as much fun as possible without concern for another and utterly live my life on my terms only. Also I want to really be open for the possibility of meeting the woman that is genuinely right for me. Not just someone who I found a mutual attraction and enough common interests to date with regularity. There's not enough decision in that scenario. Its shallow and primarily based on, proximity, ego, and loneliness.  That and I am Thirty two and have only been single for two years spread around four relationships in the last fourteen years, including a failed marriage.