taking it to the bridge...

I've met an amazing woman that I genuinely can't wait to hang out with, every time. Hopefully I don't fuck it up, because I'm actually letting go of my emotions, cautiously.

Lets face it, I've been hoping to meet someone that I'm so into that she causes me to want to do that. I wasn't planning on staying single forever. I wanted try to learn how to be more objective about who really seems like someone that might actually be right for my retarded self.

I'll call her, Snarky Girl.

Hopefully this blog will go in a new direction, maybe an art blog... I do own www.culturalfallout.com.

Damn it!

I met a great girl.

Its hard to write when you're all stoked about someone. She's 3 weeks deep and I haven't flipped out or sabotaged anything. I've made more of a commitment than I have in well over a year. Still not a total commitment, but enough of one to alter my day to day. I'm currently working on a list of rules for her that spell out how to remain totally aloof while dating someone. I'll probably post that next.

Its been so long since I actually gave a fuck, without already seeing the demise in the near future. It's refreshing, awesome, and great, but really counterintuitive at the same time.`

2:47 am blog o clock

This morning's 3 am is different that the usual morning. I have been re-evaluating my relationship with alcohol of late.

I've never been one to drink at home, alone or otherwise. Unless friends are over, or maybe 1 drink if there's leftovers and I just cooked myself a nice dinner.

I do however go to the bar almost every night. I work late not many options. I really don't want to go home right after work. I don't like television, I live alone, most of my friends are fucking their significant others at that hour. I like to shoot the shit with someone, and (not unlike like buying a lottery ticket) I'm optimistic about what females I have the possibility to meet if I go out, as opposed to the none I will meet at my apartment.

Some nights I drink a lot, some less, some I puke. In the past several months I've tried to keep my tab under $20.00. Which means nothing when it come to consumption, I know a lot of bartenders. In recent weeks I have tried to limit my number of drinks: no shots, less than 4 beers. Tonight I had 2.5 beers. I don't want to give up the companionship that I get from going out, but I also don't want to turn into a crappy drunk that no one wants to know.

House cleaning, balance, and content. That's what I'm working on. I'm not even buzzed right now, but I had a good time tonight.

Check yourself before you...

I have developed a loose checklist of things in my life that are out of line, or not as they should be. Over the next year I plan on rectifying as many of them as I can. It started with weight loss 20 lbs, thank you, then smoking 80 some odd days, then less weed, blah blah blah. The point is: one by one I'm taking the necessary steps and knocking them down. I really am. I have 3 beat and 2 underway, 5 or 6 remain, some are more long-term.

The method that seems to be working is:

I dwell on a point of change, let it rattle in he back of my brain for a few weeks. As time passes my usual lucid wandering inevitably leads to whatever it is I've been obsessing over (this is how I always wrote papers in college). It gets to the point where I get so completely annoyed with having to think about it, that it needs to be amputated.

I read somewhere, in terms of human behavior it takes about 21 days for us to adapt to a change in our lives eg. new work schedule, exercise routine, not smoking. I'm not certain if it's true, but the placebo effect works well for me on this. So, I take the leap of change one at a time. After a few weeks I feel like I have a grip on it and begin to pat myself on the back. Maybe go buy some new kicks to celebrate. I ride out my gold star award for a time and let myself feel pretty good about it. Then I go back to step one to plug the next hole in my bucket

There are some longer term items that simply cant be handled this way. Like my credit card debt. I deal with it though. I make a bigger payment on one every month. It'll take a while.

I'm waking up from a long period of unconscious living. When I initially knocked the crud from my lashes morning's bright light nearly drove me insane. My life was laid bare past and future, and it looked bad naked. Instead of a walk of shame, I put my clothes on and made breakfast so I could think about how to make it work.

I'll write about chicks soon, I mean there were 2 blizzards for crying out loud! I wasn't about to be alone for those.

my pint glass is empty

I mentioned that it'd been a while since I felt sobriety. Tonight is the night.

I'm having a pretty good day off so I'm willing to take my chances with a breakdown.

I went to the chiropractor, my back feels amazing (its been jacked for like 2 weeks). I think people that poo-poo chiropractors either went to a bad one or never went to one at all.

I also had a coffee date... I'm aware I said no more first dates, but I thought the coffee date was an acceptable loophole in my resolution. Plus this girl doesn't drink so there's not a ton of possibility for a casual run in. I also mentioned that I exchanged blogs with a girl, so I gotta watch my footing. I'm breaking rules like Electric Boogaloo. It went better than expected. I think its the first time I met a new chick without having a few beers first (a trick a southern girl taught me).

Third I started a painting I've been procrastinating on, that has a deadline coming up. I actually made decent progress, listened to jams and enjoyed it. Weird.

I made slamming veggie eats, watched LOST, and read.

Cut to the chase. I actually started to freak out a little. When I was staring the painting. I began losing my shit about my decision to be a working artist years ago. I pictured being toothless and destitute at age 50 because of how precarious it is to make your living creatively. I started doubting my ability. I couldn't help reminding myself of how lazy I am, and how it'll never work, I will fail.

FUCK!

I talked myself down. Sat. Concentrated on the painting. I felt better. I have to make art. Good art. That way I won't fail. I started good art tonight.

PS.

I'm calling Southern Girl "Cousin Fucker" from now on to see if she still reads my blog.

HA!

This modern world

There have been events, antics, introspection, epiphanies etc. en masse since my meltdown. I have just not allowed there to be enough downtime to "pen" them all down here. I have a fear of downtime since the collapse. I worry it will lead to another collapse. So I have been running the tank on empty for at least 40 days or so. One of these nights I'll get back to it and spin some of my self absorbed yarns of heartbreak and intrigue, but first I have to get over the fear of my own reflection. I think its coming soon. The body is beginning to object to the abuse, and the brain is hungry. The next stage of self help is quickly approaching, getting healthy in the exercise/diet dept. I am happy to report I am 75 days cigarette free, and have 95% stopped smoking weed.

On a humorous note: instead of exchanging numbers with a woman at the bar, we exchanged blogs. I'm not certain what that says about being single in an urban setting, but I can't help but marvel at the absurdity.

oh boy

I had my first dead serious anxiety attack a few days ago. Now I know what everyone is talking about. The worst thing I've ever felt in my life. Worse than any break up, worse than a funeral. THE WORST FEELING IMAGINABLE! Thus far, a spouse of 50 years dying might feel worse, but I'm 33 and single so I can't fathom that. Seriously debilitating. I am not a man who cries unless there is a very good reason, and if no one is around. I have wanted to cry several times in the past 6 months, but I don't let myself feel despair.

I talked to everyone I know well about this anxiety attack and a few of them advised me to let myself feel it, for a time and cry. Cry to the point of a face full of snot and drool and hyperventilating. Tonight I did, it was orgasmic. Sometimes you need to cry, if you're single and live alone no one will witness it and form an opinion. A perk I just discovered.

Hopefully more upbeat posts to follow, need I remind you reader how much I hate the fucking winter.

Slumping It

I feel like my attitude lately is a lot like the recession. We all knew it was coming, and that we were actually in a recession WAY before anyone was willing to be the expert to stand up and say:

"Yes, it is categorically true, we are definitely in a recession, a huge one in fact, buckle up."

So here it goes, I am officially in the biggest dating recession of my life. My overall feeling is drawing unemployment from my self esteem like a deranged construction worker with 6 mouths to feed. Its been coming down the pipe since mid August. Which is when I was scrambling around making really poor quality control choices. Call me Freddie, because my mac was a mess over the summer. So to top off having such a lousy attitude that if I did actually bump into an awesome girl I'd certainly ruin it; I can take heart in that my last 2 bed partners are memories I'd prefer to burn from my mind.

What to do? Dating help sites say I need new clothes, or some serious me time, or I should pretend that I feel amazing, and then I will. I'm sorry but that shit is for pod people. I'm just going to ride out this tempest and see who breaks first. Hopefully by spring I'll be so sick of myself that I'll have no choice but to pull some David Copperfield type illusions out of my moth riddled bag-o-tricks.

Smoking

After nearly a month of not smoking, not even once, I will be purchasing health and dental insurance tomorrow. Which is something when you're self-employed.

Yawn

I have two women cooking me Breakfast tomorrow. I've seen them both naked.

Depressed

Okay, so I'm pretty fucking depressed. I can't decide what to do or how to deal with it. There are several contributing factors. The first is: I'm BROKE! This is the slow season for my business and I work on commission, no work no dollars. Second: a tooth is bothering me, and I need a bunch of dental work besides, no insurance, no money. Third: quitting smoking isn't directly making me depressed, but it is one of the things I did to cope with depression. Which means I'm dealing with depression for the first time in 11 years without. Fourth: its winter, winter always makes me depressed. Fifth: I AM LONELY!!!!! I don't have any great leads on girls right now, and I'm way too bummed out to have the energy to make some, plus no loot makes it challenging to meet girls. So I guess I'm saying being broke bleeds into it all and that's what's really bothering me.

I have plenty of good friends that care about me, but there is such a hole in my usual state of being without a girlfriend. It gets to me knowing that at the moment no one loves me like that, and hasn't for some time. I try to appreciate the opportunity I have in living alone unattached and how good that is for me in the long run. I also try to keep in mind that in taking this time I'm building a better and more honest version of myself with more character. My sense of being isn't defined by the refuse of a failed relationship, shined up for the new girl almost immediately following. In the end I'll have a better chance to meet a woman that I feel a real and honest connection with. I mean that is what I really want inevitably. I know that can't happen right now and I need to be tenacious in my pursuit of self awareness. I have to remind myself that in the meantime I have had a lot of fun and had great encounters with a lot of women (well a lot for me anyway) and will have more. Everyone is shacked up and banging someone they met in the summertime right now. When spring arrives half of them will break up and I won't be broke or depressed. I'll be hopeful and eager.

I may have forgotten to take my Wellbutrin today, but I don't think it actually does very much.

detox

I just have to rant/brag/be really annoyed that this is the longest I've gone without a puff on a cigarette (12 days), as well as not having a girlfriend/serious commitment of any kind (a year and a half) since my first girlfriend, senior year.

New Years

My resolutions this year are as follows:

Quit smoking (I'm already 12 days deep on that one.)

No more first dates

Get Medical & Dental Insurance

Try to be more enthusiastic about people in general

The last one needs a little explanation I suppose. I had an epiphany several weeks ago about this. I'm a person who goes to a bar nearly every night. The area I work in has a lot of familiar faces, many of whom go to the same bar. What happens is I see someone around for a while and never really meet them or get to know them. It happens so often I'll get into nod status or the casual "what's up?" with whomever and never much beyond that. I realized with acquaintances, when someone is a little enthusiastic about a greeting, I tend to feel more comfortable and more likely to talk to them with interest. Unless I already know they suck or something. So I thought I'd give it a whirl. This applies to everyone, not just girls I'd like to meet.

I can be a pretty timid dude initially when I'm around unfamiliars. Its time to be less timid, and a little nicer. Like the smoking I got the jump on this resolution and have walked it around a bit. So far its going well. I've been to 3 parties, and met 4 single women, and some others. None of which would have happened if I was my usual "How's it going?" shy self.

I haven't come up with a nickname for the latest girl. I'm not sure what's going on, but I kissed her at midnight on New Years Eve. Its likely I'll bump into her again, though we didn't exchange numbers (no more first dates). She has two kids... never encountered that before. I can't call her milf, its WAY too cliche. Greek Girl, Baggage Claim? I dunno I'll think of one if anything else happens. Not that anyone reads this, but I like to pretend.