Serial Monogamist

Apparently a blogger with the name "Serial Monogamist" is really bent out of shape about the fact that I, unknowing of her position as the official trademark holder on the term, have been using Single Monogamist as my handle. I didn't steal it either, its the whole point of my blog. I didn't find out about her until I checked out the "Dating Is Weird" blog of which she is a contributor. Though my blog did used to be called  "The Single Serial Monogamist" I quickly realized there are more of us out there, and I don't want to come off as pompous. 

I have changed my handle to Chronically Attached. Hopefully the pea has been dislodged from beneath her mattress and she can get a good nights rest. 

I'm here for self help, rambling and venting. I am completely new to blogging, I'm unaware of the  etiquette and I'm sure I'll do something else reprehensible, and someone new will hunt me down when I do.

Anyways, Dating is Weird is a pretty entertaining read, I hope they don't get even more pissed at me when I change my blog title to "Blogging is Weird."

Thursday

So I was supposed to work on a big design job kinda thing today, but the "big push" as it goes didn't happen as expected. 

What happened was my friend Jenny talked a bunch of us going downtown to drink. But in reality she wanted to go to American Apparel, and  tricked all parties, the old bait and switch. Somehow it always works. That was followed by mega beers at O Niels, then Mc Glinchy's, some form of food, getting lost among warehouses, smashing vacuums, stealing beer from an ending premiere party that was packed with college freshmen, going to the Barbary to be surprised by open bar, lastly a bro down with 2 extras we picked up along the way at my apartment, and its not even 2 am.

Breaking up when there was no commitment?

Last night I did my duty and broke the casual thing with Julie off clean. It was a little sad, she's a sweet girl and didn't deserve meeting a dude like me. I'm pretty incapable of forming any serious attachment but come off like I can (that's fucked up). Being a man that only knows serious relationships I don't do the best job of keeping it loose and casual, I've never learned that lesson. I guess I'm learning it now.

I went home feeling like a severely unwashed ass. I text a newer friend whom I have a growing respect for and seems to always be awake at 4 am. I've gotten the impression that she treats dating as more of a sociological experiment, with tactical precision, more from the viewpoint of an observer than a participant. I might be wrong, but she has good insight. I said something to the effect of my second sentence to her, she replied " ... and that's a crying shame."

Initially I thought that was a shitty way to be, but quickly realized she nailed it. 

I'm not saying I will embrace an utterly uncaring attitude, I prefer a degree of sensitivity. However I need to toughen up a little. If I can, I will probably do a more responsible job of dating where I'm not sucker punching anyone then hating myself for it after. Its a game, I'm beginning to understand the rules and devise my strategy. 

Sleep, what's that?

After weeks of debauch and not being able to recall what it is to fall asleep sober, last night I went to my apartment. I hung out with my cat, didn't drink or smoke anything and went to bed by 2. I was really worried that my body forgot how to sleep without enhancement, turns out its like riding a bike. I feel awesome today. I have my doubts about pulling it off again tonight. I'm feeling pretty squirrelly about telling Karen I have a thing for her and Sunday is a good night at the bar I like. 

The conclusion

Wednesday night wasn't all that crazy. My ex ended up rescheduling the exchange of my left behind belongings. That was a relief, unfortunately its only postponed to next week.

I met with Karen as planned and our married friends went to dinner with us. They later went home leaving Karen and I to ourselves. We had drinks at the bar where Josh works did a little after hours then went to my apartment. I lost my nerve once again and had another night of spooning with her. 

I'm really not that much of a pussy, but there's a long standing, quality friendship here. The vibes are hard to read, and too forward of an act could undermine the trust and utterly betray the friendship. I don't want that, its creepy and I'm already feeling like a creep. Besides spooning with a beautiful girl is never a bad thing. We woke up spent a lot of time lounging around, it was so comfortable and pleasant. I felt like a million bucks and could not yet feel the hangover. Which took over the minute she had to leave and kept me in bed until 2 pm with the smell of her hair on the pillow.

Fast forward to Friday night. I met Karen and friends for dancing. But blew off other friends at a birthday party.  I've also been blowing off  Julie for over a week now. Fun night, went back to married couples house where Josh happens to live. Typical house drinking after-party. Around 4:30 everyone's milling around getting ready to go home. Karen asked me if I was staying...

I lingered until we were alone. 

Then I dropped the bomb.

I said "I noticed lately that I may have a slight crush on you, and feel weird about it. And rather than be shady and plotting I thought I'd tell you, and be up front about it." She felt similarly and said she was glad I told her and its not that weird. A lot of awkward silence ensued and she asked me to spend the night. I did but still couldn't bring myself to kiss her. We had some intermittent talking and just went to sleep, more spooning. I suck. Its too much and too weird, plus I still have Julie to think about.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Despite trying to stay single and not be a serial monogamist, It seems like I'm hoping from casual encounter to casual encounter, and now am involving a close friend.

My plan is to clear the decks of women, not get involved at all. And look forward to slowly seeing where my crush on Karen goes now that its in the open. She lives 2 hours away and our work schedules aren't even slightly similar. Its a pretty pitiful outlook at best. I don't know why I'm bothering, except for the fact that we've never had any type of timing to get together, and I've always had a thing for her. The timing is bad now but fuck it, I want to give it a shot anyways.

Tomorrow is a recipe for crazy.

Well, 

The rundown goes like this:

Wake up in the am for the cable guy, clean, laundry mat, dye hair.

Pretty mundane, this is where it gets crazy.

I have to go to my ex's to get some stuff I left behind. It will undoubtedly be heady. I had plans afterwards with Julie whom I'm loosely seeing. I cancelled them because Karen, a long time friend who I spent a fantastic New Years with will be in town.  I may have felt a spark between her and I but didn't act on it at the time. I think this is how the shtick with different hats and different women starts. 

So far Karen and I have dinner then drinks plans, but I don't know if its a solo mission or if we're involving more friends. Its all weird, crazy, and uncertain being as we've been strictly friends for the past twelve or so years. I don't think she's clued into what's going on in my head. However to all of our mutual friends my sudden interest in her is painfully transparent.

There is a wild card in the mix too, my very good friend Josh will possibly be around. He and Karen dated briefly years ago and he's never given up hope (he has a few girls in this category). He and I spoke on this and its all fine. Josh has a total disregard for dude rules and definitely fucked me over with a girl in the past. Even so I could see him maneuvering to keep Karen and I from having a chance to get cozy. 

Tomorrow is going to be wild. For good or bad I can't say.

Why I'm here.

I'm starting this blog to record my experience as a man in his early thirties who has had a string of back to back long term, failed relationships. I've been single and since the end of June 2008. My then girlfriend of three years broke up with me for reasons which aren't necessary to go into here being as this is about my single life. 

 

 In the last six months I've been trying my best to maintain single status. However as is in my nature I always seem to veer towards attachment. It has happened twice now. The first was a catastrophe and I really hurt someones feelings. The second I'm in the middle of now, and formulating a plan for a discreet exit. 

The point of my trying maintain single status is to change the pattern that has held true my entire adult life. A pattern which is flawed. I want to have a better understanding of myself without the pretense of a relationship to influence my behavior.  I want to have as much fun as possible without concern for another and utterly live my life on my terms only. Also I want to really be open for the possibility of meeting the woman that is genuinely right for me. Not just someone who I found a mutual attraction and enough common interests to date with regularity. There's not enough decision in that scenario. Its shallow and primarily based on, proximity, ego, and loneliness.  That and I am Thirty two and have only been single for two years spread around four relationships in the last fourteen years, including a failed marriage.