oh boy

I had my first dead serious anxiety attack a few days ago. Now I know what everyone is talking about. The worst thing I've ever felt in my life. Worse than any break up, worse than a funeral. THE WORST FEELING IMAGINABLE! Thus far, a spouse of 50 years dying might feel worse, but I'm 33 and single so I can't fathom that. Seriously debilitating. I am not a man who cries unless there is a very good reason, and if no one is around. I have wanted to cry several times in the past 6 months, but I don't let myself feel despair.

I talked to everyone I know well about this anxiety attack and a few of them advised me to let myself feel it, for a time and cry. Cry to the point of a face full of snot and drool and hyperventilating. Tonight I did, it was orgasmic. Sometimes you need to cry, if you're single and live alone no one will witness it and form an opinion. A perk I just discovered.

Hopefully more upbeat posts to follow, need I remind you reader how much I hate the fucking winter.

Slumping It

I feel like my attitude lately is a lot like the recession. We all knew it was coming, and that we were actually in a recession WAY before anyone was willing to be the expert to stand up and say:

"Yes, it is categorically true, we are definitely in a recession, a huge one in fact, buckle up."

So here it goes, I am officially in the biggest dating recession of my life. My overall feeling is drawing unemployment from my self esteem like a deranged construction worker with 6 mouths to feed. Its been coming down the pipe since mid August. Which is when I was scrambling around making really poor quality control choices. Call me Freddie, because my mac was a mess over the summer. So to top off having such a lousy attitude that if I did actually bump into an awesome girl I'd certainly ruin it; I can take heart in that my last 2 bed partners are memories I'd prefer to burn from my mind.

What to do? Dating help sites say I need new clothes, or some serious me time, or I should pretend that I feel amazing, and then I will. I'm sorry but that shit is for pod people. I'm just going to ride out this tempest and see who breaks first. Hopefully by spring I'll be so sick of myself that I'll have no choice but to pull some David Copperfield type illusions out of my moth riddled bag-o-tricks.

Smoking

After nearly a month of not smoking, not even once, I will be purchasing health and dental insurance tomorrow. Which is something when you're self-employed.

Yawn

I have two women cooking me Breakfast tomorrow. I've seen them both naked.

Depressed

Okay, so I'm pretty fucking depressed. I can't decide what to do or how to deal with it. There are several contributing factors. The first is: I'm BROKE! This is the slow season for my business and I work on commission, no work no dollars. Second: a tooth is bothering me, and I need a bunch of dental work besides, no insurance, no money. Third: quitting smoking isn't directly making me depressed, but it is one of the things I did to cope with depression. Which means I'm dealing with depression for the first time in 11 years without. Fourth: its winter, winter always makes me depressed. Fifth: I AM LONELY!!!!! I don't have any great leads on girls right now, and I'm way too bummed out to have the energy to make some, plus no loot makes it challenging to meet girls. So I guess I'm saying being broke bleeds into it all and that's what's really bothering me.

I have plenty of good friends that care about me, but there is such a hole in my usual state of being without a girlfriend. It gets to me knowing that at the moment no one loves me like that, and hasn't for some time. I try to appreciate the opportunity I have in living alone unattached and how good that is for me in the long run. I also try to keep in mind that in taking this time I'm building a better and more honest version of myself with more character. My sense of being isn't defined by the refuse of a failed relationship, shined up for the new girl almost immediately following. In the end I'll have a better chance to meet a woman that I feel a real and honest connection with. I mean that is what I really want inevitably. I know that can't happen right now and I need to be tenacious in my pursuit of self awareness. I have to remind myself that in the meantime I have had a lot of fun and had great encounters with a lot of women (well a lot for me anyway) and will have more. Everyone is shacked up and banging someone they met in the summertime right now. When spring arrives half of them will break up and I won't be broke or depressed. I'll be hopeful and eager.

I may have forgotten to take my Wellbutrin today, but I don't think it actually does very much.

detox

I just have to rant/brag/be really annoyed that this is the longest I've gone without a puff on a cigarette (12 days), as well as not having a girlfriend/serious commitment of any kind (a year and a half) since my first girlfriend, senior year.

New Years

My resolutions this year are as follows:

Quit smoking (I'm already 12 days deep on that one.)

No more first dates

Get Medical & Dental Insurance

Try to be more enthusiastic about people in general

The last one needs a little explanation I suppose. I had an epiphany several weeks ago about this. I'm a person who goes to a bar nearly every night. The area I work in has a lot of familiar faces, many of whom go to the same bar. What happens is I see someone around for a while and never really meet them or get to know them. It happens so often I'll get into nod status or the casual "what's up?" with whomever and never much beyond that. I realized with acquaintances, when someone is a little enthusiastic about a greeting, I tend to feel more comfortable and more likely to talk to them with interest. Unless I already know they suck or something. So I thought I'd give it a whirl. This applies to everyone, not just girls I'd like to meet.

I can be a pretty timid dude initially when I'm around unfamiliars. Its time to be less timid, and a little nicer. Like the smoking I got the jump on this resolution and have walked it around a bit. So far its going well. I've been to 3 parties, and met 4 single women, and some others. None of which would have happened if I was my usual "How's it going?" shy self.

I haven't come up with a nickname for the latest girl. I'm not sure what's going on, but I kissed her at midnight on New Years Eve. Its likely I'll bump into her again, though we didn't exchange numbers (no more first dates). She has two kids... never encountered that before. I can't call her milf, its WAY too cliche. Greek Girl, Baggage Claim? I dunno I'll think of one if anything else happens. Not that anyone reads this, but I like to pretend.