Depressed

Okay, so I'm pretty fucking depressed. I can't decide what to do or how to deal with it. There are several contributing factors. The first is: I'm BROKE! This is the slow season for my business and I work on commission, no work no dollars. Second: a tooth is bothering me, and I need a bunch of dental work besides, no insurance, no money. Third: quitting smoking isn't directly making me depressed, but it is one of the things I did to cope with depression. Which means I'm dealing with depression for the first time in 11 years without. Fourth: its winter, winter always makes me depressed. Fifth: I AM LONELY!!!!! I don't have any great leads on girls right now, and I'm way too bummed out to have the energy to make some, plus no loot makes it challenging to meet girls. So I guess I'm saying being broke bleeds into it all and that's what's really bothering me.

I have plenty of good friends that care about me, but there is such a hole in my usual state of being without a girlfriend. It gets to me knowing that at the moment no one loves me like that, and hasn't for some time. I try to appreciate the opportunity I have in living alone unattached and how good that is for me in the long run. I also try to keep in mind that in taking this time I'm building a better and more honest version of myself with more character. My sense of being isn't defined by the refuse of a failed relationship, shined up for the new girl almost immediately following. In the end I'll have a better chance to meet a woman that I feel a real and honest connection with. I mean that is what I really want inevitably. I know that can't happen right now and I need to be tenacious in my pursuit of self awareness. I have to remind myself that in the meantime I have had a lot of fun and had great encounters with a lot of women (well a lot for me anyway) and will have more. Everyone is shacked up and banging someone they met in the summertime right now. When spring arrives half of them will break up and I won't be broke or depressed. I'll be hopeful and eager.

I may have forgotten to take my Wellbutrin today, but I don't think it actually does very much.

detox

I just have to rant/brag/be really annoyed that this is the longest I've gone without a puff on a cigarette (12 days), as well as not having a girlfriend/serious commitment of any kind (a year and a half) since my first girlfriend, senior year.

New Years

My resolutions this year are as follows:

Quit smoking (I'm already 12 days deep on that one.)

No more first dates

Get Medical & Dental Insurance

Try to be more enthusiastic about people in general

The last one needs a little explanation I suppose. I had an epiphany several weeks ago about this. I'm a person who goes to a bar nearly every night. The area I work in has a lot of familiar faces, many of whom go to the same bar. What happens is I see someone around for a while and never really meet them or get to know them. It happens so often I'll get into nod status or the casual "what's up?" with whomever and never much beyond that. I realized with acquaintances, when someone is a little enthusiastic about a greeting, I tend to feel more comfortable and more likely to talk to them with interest. Unless I already know they suck or something. So I thought I'd give it a whirl. This applies to everyone, not just girls I'd like to meet.

I can be a pretty timid dude initially when I'm around unfamiliars. Its time to be less timid, and a little nicer. Like the smoking I got the jump on this resolution and have walked it around a bit. So far its going well. I've been to 3 parties, and met 4 single women, and some others. None of which would have happened if I was my usual "How's it going?" shy self.

I haven't come up with a nickname for the latest girl. I'm not sure what's going on, but I kissed her at midnight on New Years Eve. Its likely I'll bump into her again, though we didn't exchange numbers (no more first dates). She has two kids... never encountered that before. I can't call her milf, its WAY too cliche. Greek Girl, Baggage Claim? I dunno I'll think of one if anything else happens. Not that anyone reads this, but I like to pretend.

Note to myself

Hey idiot!

The next time you talk to a girl all night and at 2 am she asks:

"How are you getting home? Do you want a ride?"

don't ever say:

"Nah, its cool, I have my bike."

"Ding!"

Quitting smoking 2 "The Heretic." I'm determined to have this be the last sequel.

Red Flags

This post is about sexual errors. Coincidentally as I'm typing there is a huge red error banner at the top of the screen because auto save isn't working. A sexual error is one of those times when you know you know better but ignore the inevitable carnage and dive into the abyss that is sleeping with a crazy person.

It unfolded in the way that a stream can carve a canyon, persistent erosion of fortitude, oh and alcohol. One night after months of Psycho Girl working on me I ended up at her place to hang out. Just friends. The voice of good sense was still strong in my brain that night.

Her place: Take your shoes off at the door (I've hated no shoes houses since age 5). It was obscenely neat and orderly, including doilies under every decorative plant or knick knack on every surface. Her complete Martha Stewart Living collection was on display in her hutch. Yes a 27 year old with a hutch. She has a real grandma sensibility about home decor. She showed me her target from the shooting range which was a 70's style male bandit. I couldn't help but notice the number of holes in both the head and crotch of this potential assailant and how there weren't many stray holes. Then I got to see PG's childhood photo albums! All this while (no lie, I swear) Cape Fear is playing in the background. Holy crap! I got out alive and couldn't have been more relieved.

I had all the evidence before me, and yet...

After a long dry spell from girls on a usual Monday at a bar with my boss PG was still at it. I hadn't hung out with her alone since seeing her stepford wife's lair. We were talking about dating in the general sense and she said "all I want to do is cook, do laundry, and have sex. What's wrong with that?" I thought, that sounds like a good deal. PG is a cute girl, not thin but not overweight either, physically fine. She has a reputation for being overbearing, jealous, and angry.

Drinks go by...

I started to justify things.

So she has a crazy reputation, maybe she's misunderstood?

Drink...

Maybe its because she really wants a serious boyfriend, I'm open to the possibility, in theory.

Drink...

She's probably really good in bed, I mean she has to be to keep dudes from running away.

Drink...

Maybe I should give her a chance. Or at least have sex with her?

What can I say. I cracked. I slept with Psycho Girl. After the deed was done she said "you're probably going to regret this tomorrow" WHAT!? I assured her that that wasn't the case, and I'd be down for hanging out again sometime. I was (at least sort of), I did.

We have a lot of friends in common. I met her at a small house party several days later. The vibe I got from the women in the room was, he's going to be her boyfriend! They were creepily friendly and inviting, like sirens. Oh, and everyone was doing coke including PG. Not at all my thing.

The next time we hung out I noticed any time I received a text message she was compelled to ask who it was. That's way more annoying than my answering a few text messages, not to mention really intrusive.

By the fourth time we hung out she bought a pair of tickets for an event six weeks away? Near her birthday? Um scary! We went out. We were hanging out with a mutual female friend who is in the same business as I am. The friend "Dee" and I talked for 20 minutes. In the meantime MS went to another floor of the bar. A short while later I saw her leave without so much as a glance, and she looked pissed.

I let a little time pass and I start texting:

CA: where did you go?

PG: I was bored, so I left.

CA: oh, okay. Goodnight.

PG: yeah.

(2 hours later)

PG: have fun with Dee!

CA: what? she's friends with both of us? Talked about work.

PG: whatever, guess she more fun than me.

CA: WHAT??

PG: have a blast!

CA: Um, I'm not at all into unfounded jealousy.

It may have continued a little longer but I don't remember. I stopped hanging out with her. I didn't have a conversation or anything just totally stopped communication. Also my birthday was approaching and I didn't want her involved. I see her around still. I try to say hi but she always does the intentional-look-in-a-different-direction maneuver. She pretends not to notice me, but I can feel her glaring at all times. I'm certain one night there will be some insane loud public attempt to humiliate me, she's done it before.

I can't believe how many red flags I ignored. Its embarrassing.

First dates are for friends

Last night I went on my fourth and final "first date" since my breakup almost two years ago. Any of the women I have had anything going on with in that time weren't the ones that I went on a date with, at least initially.

I have been chatting up Kitchen Witch for a couple weeks, she works at bar I frequent. My options for making moves were: "hey what are you up to after work?" meaning 2 am, meaning my apartment to do it. Or "hey do you wanna hang out sometime when you're not working?" meaning date, meaning let's see how it goes before we do it. I chose the latter.

The lead up and the details of the date are pretty standard and unimportant. We had a good time, there was a lot to talk about, it was cool. Snore... I wasn't feeling it and neither was she. I did have a crush on her going in, but there was no mojo. She called it first, I was relieved. It was over by 9.

I managed to resurrect the night by going out and bumping into some girls I know. I got kissed on the cheek by a girl that I have no interest in, but hanging out with her is always cool. She also helped me dodge an annoying dude I know by yelling at him for interrupting our date, HA! At a different bar a crazy drunk girl said she wanted to "put it on me" and tried really hard to make that happen. Followed by crashing at a really great friend's house, who interestingly enough I went on the first of these four first dates with. What a fun night, there was laughing, crying, falling, punching, yelling, spooning, and even an early AM shame-free walk of shame. I got loads of female attention which I love regardless of the outcome. SOmetimes its better to have no outcome, I guess.

First dates are odd. It's like going on a job interview and bribing your potential employer with free dinner. I'm going to make every effort to avoid such things in the future. If I like a girl the last thing I want is to endure the anemia of sitting across the table from her. Its WAY to much pressure, and its self defeating in the spontaneity department.